Sepi

I can’t contemplate on what it feels like to be alone; I just know I don’t like it.

Truth be told, I don’t like being all alone. I am always with my friends—well at least a friend. There’s something about being alone that has always make me feel insecure about myself. Despite the attention that I get from the people around me, I still am all alone. I know that it was not the fault of anyone, it even has nothing to do with those who I called friends. IT’S SIMPLY MY FAULT.

At times I can be a little bit demanding. A little bit annoying to them. A little bit rude to them. I blame friendship for that. Friendship kept someone close to the other, but it is hard when you are too close to them. Too close to them up to the point that you demand them to understand you where as you yourself don’t understand yourself. I hate friendship for keeping me closed t someone (in particular), I hate friendship for it will hurt me, and I hate friendship for I need it.

Today I learned something that I have already knew, despite knowing it will (still) hurt me, yet why do I keep being in denial?.. Course that’s me…always denying and avoiding problems.

Though you are always with them, always together, inseparable in the eyes of others. That doesn’t mean you are closed to them. And I thought I was a closed friend. Silly isn’t it? How would you feel if it were you? Am I a friend? Sorry for being demanding… Just what am I?

Forgive me for being stupid to believe in the proverb ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’. Friends share problem—not all of them...but they DID. Friends don’t hurt others; even if they did they seek for forgiveness. A friend is more than just ‘a friend’ …there’s more to it…more to it…

The Friends

I have only known them for a year. But if you took every memory, every moment, every day we spent together, every precious time we had…if you stretched them en to end—they’d reach forever.

Monkeys aren’t endearing at all...they are just cute (maybe)—UGLY but adorable. Monkeys are always with their brainless act, monkeys sleep a lot… talk a lot…play a lot…they fool around, joke around and laugh till they burst to tears. Monkeys are naughty and awfully mischievous. Always with their silly idea that seems so endless—there’s always something up their sleeves… one at a time and one after another. Monkeys bully each other, monkeys are bad…really bad. Monkeys are childish…always with their childish manner even knowing they are old.

Monkeys are ridiculously ludicrous!

As nonsensical as it may sound… monkeys are cheerful. Monkeys’ brainless act has always entertained people…put a smile on their faces and make them laugh, make people love them the way they are. Monkeys know how to have fun, know how to P.A.R.T.Y… wherever they are, whenever they are … surely there will be havoc…havoc with their chaotic manner and act. Monkeys are sensitive, so sensitive that tears can easily be shed. Most importantly, monkeys take care of each other…they think about each other, they help each other… In short… monkeys are true friends…they may be (a little bit) mindless but they are not senseless.

Outrageous isn’t, how monkeys could behave?

As for me… I am stuck with 5 monkeys… these monkeys…

They are my true listeners

My favorite’s monkeys

They bully me… they pick on me…but

We sing, laugh, we eat and we fool around…all together

They keep me company…

AND MY MONKEYS SEMUA BUSUK-BUSUK!

Hahaha…

Letter for My Bloody Valentine

There’s a letter meant for me. Someone wrote it. It is NOT an ordinary letter, it is a letter from a friend to another friend expressing how she felt about him—that’s me. Truthfully written from an innocent heart composed with some of the honest words ever expressed, the words are carefully arranged, and the meaning of each and every words are deep, deep as her ‘love’ for him. The words are wisely chosen, yet simple and straight forward—I ‘like’ it! In other word…

It is a ‘LOVE LETTER’,
A BLOODY LOVE LETTER,
A BLOOD STAINED LOVE LETTER,
'A BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE'.

However, neither she herself nor the postman will send it to me. Though it was meant for me, but it was not addressed to me. Let just say, I won’t be receiving the letter, neither will I be able to read it.

WHAT A WASTE!? A letter which contains some of the most precious and stupendously written literature will not be read by her so-called ‘lover’? However, it has not gone to waste. I know it, I know all about it. I may not know every single detail about it, but I know what it is about and what she would want me to now. OH! How I ‘love’ her because of that, because of that (fucking) BLOODY LOVE LETTER.

I wish she has the guts to send me the letter. I’ve been waiting for it, even knowing that I will never ever get to lay an eye on it, I still hope for someday I am able to read it. I just want her to know that I ‘love’ her as much as she ‘loves’ me. All because of that BLOODY LOVE LETTER.

1# The Last Goodbye

He had been waiting there for quite some time, but there was still no sign of her anywhere. He still waited there, by the café, by the place where they promised to meet…he has got no time to waste…he got a bus to catch; if he missed the bus then he would never be able to go home. He needed to go back home immediately…

This morning, he received the news that he needed to go back home…he has been offered to pursue his study in other institution…all of his friends were surprised by that news…especially his roommate, who has been down the whole day… he too didn’t want to leave but, it was his mother’s wish…

Today was the last day he would be here in the college. He had met up with all of his closed friends except for her… By hook or by crook, they have to meet …or they will never have to chance to utter the last goodbye…what else even meet…they both live in a totally different place...Meeting is just impossible for them.

With the bag firmly held in his hand…he looked up…staring hopelessly to the sky before he took the final step…he has to make up his mind now…and yes he did…he chose to leave...he has to leave…even without his last goodbye…he made his way to the bus station.

He ran to the bus station.

Then…he heard…

LEN! LEN! WAIT!

He could listen to her voice...he was happy to hear her voice for the final time…but…

But he kept running…he just knew that if he stopped, he would never be able to say goodbye to her, or his other friends…he would never be able to leave them. He avoided it by…keep running.

She chased after him…shouting his name…

Then, she stopped…she can’t keep up with him anymore…she stands there...Laughing…unconsciously…tears has flooded her eyes…she cried…crying and laughing at the same time…she can’t choose whether to cry or laugh…nor can anyone tell the difference between those two feelings…

He stared out, through the bus’s window…regretting what he had done…guilt had struck his heart, mind and soul…he received a text message from the girl’s friend.

Saying… she runs after you, but you didn’t stop, she cried dowh.

As much as he tried to be strong…the guilt had finally got into him…he cried.

A Promised that I Will Break

The phone rang exactly at 12.12 p.m… I was listening to Archuleta’s while writing my previous entry… I was feeling tired…with class and all but I was happy at the same time… I am always happy (do I). I considered the time I spent in my class as a happy time. Sounds weird? Well I know that not many people enjoy being in class, what else lecture time…but things are different for me, I must admit IPDA is not as fun as a university would be, the environment is so…too school-like for me. However, going to class is a happy thing to do...because of the monkeys around me…5 monkeys in particular that had always made my day…they cheer me up when I am down… share my problems...gossips, tell stories…I love them…they are my reason to be here in IPDA…

I have a lot of friends...last week I went back to Perlis…I hate going back home…last week I went back because a friend of mine is going to start sailing soon…yes! Seriously, he is going to sail all around the world for a year…I have a sailor friend…haha!

He is a good friend of mine, had always been with me since I was in primary school… we met, we talk…we laugh…then I say goodbye to him…I know this is not our last goodbye…because we will meet again..I know we will, cause he only live a stone throw away from me anyway.

But...this one friend in particular…
She is also going oversea…this time, it’s for study purposes.
I only heard the news that she is going away for three years from my classmate…my classmate knew her from back when they are in high school together...they were schoolmate…

My classmate asks me…

Do you know that she get to go oversea?

I don’t know, but I answered YES I know.

Why did I lie? I don’t know…maybe because I was mad with her..mad with myself for not knowing the fact that my own good friends is going away…but my other friend knew it…I am also mad with her for not contacting me either… she didn't call me nor did she texted me. I couldn't reach her too.

Sitting here…alone in my room…my roommate, he has classes…my class ended early today...the lecturers are busy…we are happy when they are busy. because we get to go back to the hostel…I usually sleep whenever I don’t have class. But today, it was different; I was writing my entry (that is my previous entry).
I
n my head…I was thinking of her, because I just discover a shocking news from my UITM friend( the story is in my previous entry)…then I missed her…we used to study in the same place…UITM. She is INTEC…I was in the Faculty of Education… that was the first time we met..
I still remember my first ever words that I spoke to her…

Pendeknya hang!

Hahaha…stupid isn’t it...but those are the memories that we will both cherish…I just know it.

Coincidence or what (I don’t know)…my phone rang…it was an unknown number…I answered…and yes…it was her..the familiar voice that need not an intro.
She called me during the time I was missing her, during the time I am mad at her, during the time that I need to speak to someone.
Amazing how suddenly I my mood changes…the room was so silent that I could listen to everything she said, her ugly voice that I like and the sweet tone that I adore.

The conversation starts with a killer question from me…

Why didn’t you contact me in a long time? I call you, I texted you but no answer.

She lied about her phoned bla bla bla…I don’t care if she has more lies…for her to call me…was enough…she know that she is lying,I know she know that she is lying
but we don’t care, we treat it as a joke anyway.

I get on the bed… Happily mad at her, I removed every pillow on the bed. Kicking them with my toes…The phone was glued to my ear. We talk…about lots of thing, it makes me forget all about my problems
On the bed, I slide sideways and curl my feet, it makes me comfortable. Facing up the rear, I can see my roommates’ bed (tidier than mine)…usually I would feel bad for not being tidy but today…I don’t care…
It made me happy just to speak with her…even on the phoned
I MISSED HER…my good friends…

She is going away in about two weeks…she asked whether we can meet…besides tomorrow is her birthday.

I SAID, SURE WHY NOT PENANG THIS WEEEND?

She said ok

BUT…I JUST KNOW I CAN’T...with my current financial crisis…I don’t think it is possible for me to be there in Penang to meet her…it is just impossible… I KNOW THAT I WILL HAVE TO BREAK THIS PROMISE.

Sorry.

What do you want from me for your birthday?
...
I want you to always remember me...always keep in touch..just remember me always.

I will...

World That We Live In

Why do people write blog?

She answered me with a quite convincing answer, I must say.

Well, writing makes you feel better. It is some sort of expressing yourself through words.But usually aku just merapu ja…

I like her answer...she is my classmate

I have friends who have been writing for ages, I guess?

She is one of those people that have been really active in writing blog.

Today, I opened her blog… I read it…I was surprised by words that she actually came out with…Confession, frustration and disappointment, all nicely written for me to read…is it for me to judge too...I wonder?

Are people like that?Are people really different that what they actually are...live?

I opened another blog...It was my friend's, my good… great friend…

I read it…I kept reading it, I can’t stop reading it…I was engrossed with his blog…surprised by the words that he actually come out with. It’s true that we haven’t actually contacted each other in a while, but…the changes that he experienced was too much for me to handle…the news was enough to make me lost in thought...Until a friend actually woke me up.

I thought I knew him more than anyone knew him…I was wrong all along

The changes that he experienced were not one of those changes that we can physically see, but...inside…

I was shaking, trembling…by that news…don’t know what to say...The fact that he actually confessed it made me even more surprised…as much as I hated rumors but it would really comes in handy at times like this…

Are people really different that what they portray in their actual life…in this so-called-BlogSpot is the place to be…different…

However…last night he already told me the news…he actually did…I don’t understand it, I ignored it, I don’t care…I regretted it…beside I’ve run out of credit to reply...But! The way he texted me, it seems like nothing happened.

I knew something was off, my instinct was correct…

But! How could he pretends like this is not a serious matter, like nothing big. Pretends that it is normal, no its NOT!

How did he expect me to act, to react?

Sitting here, now… should I called him and ask or should I pretend that it was a normal thing to be like…that.

Well…sigh…

Again I just don’t understand…still can’t understand.

Are people really that different personally?

Human…Human are hard to understand.

The Start Of Something New

this blog has been existed for quite some time...
well it's not that I don't want to post anything or something
I am just too busy with...life.

today is the revival of my blog..
that's why I call it
'The Start Of Something New'
there's a lot of untold story to be told here..
i didn't make this blog for anyone in particular to read..

i made it for me..